your flop era is lowkey serving
spite for despite
last week over kim chi spicy ramyun when I really tried to sell the plot of everything everywhere all at once to ananya, i realized that my love for movies with strained and complicated mother-daughter relationships is really getting out of hand. I think I read a tweet later where someone compared it to ladybird’s “but do you like me” scene because even in everything everywhere all at once her mom wasn't a fan of her but still wanted to be with her despite it. I will eventually come back to discussing this movie here but while we are on the topic of the word “despite” I remember reading petrichara’s post (instagram page) which said something along the lines of
“how many things do people have to overlook about me to be with me, I love her despite her tendency of shutting down at the first sign of distress, I love her even though I find her voice annoying, so then what parts do people have to overlook about me”
when I was talking to abhilasha over milkshakes (derogatory; more on this later) about other people we realised, that someone somewhere might shit talk about us as well but then we both almost immediately landed on the conclusion that we are fortunately unfortunately not important enough to be gossiped about. does anyone talk about bystanders in movies, no and that is okay until you are a bystander in your own movie.
narc mother (dairy)
so about milkshakes, now I don't think I was lactose intolerant till I was 17, I think the curse started after I cut dairy out for the most part out of my life for a year, I don’t remember when this happened but my skin would start breaking out after consuming dairy, or coffee and my stomach would start hurting, but then again when is it not hurting. I also, unfortunately, remember that one point in time when I had convinced myself that smoking was making my skin better, yes. I’ve come to realise I can only work with very bland food (read: uttapam, toast, poha, dosa) and very watery sugary drinks (gottea’s hibiscus tea, lemonade), and on occasions where I think i've been too happy for too long, this is the coffee I make now, which is mostly water and 20 percent soy milk (this is an exception im sometimes willing to make at the cost of my tummy ache)
youtube rabbithole
I thought of writing a newsletter after I was bored and wanted to read someone else's newsletter, I wanted to read about someone’s breakfast or what youtube video they had watched, anything fun. so i will tell you about the few youtube videos I watched last week one video was on gilmore girls and how rory and lorelai are painted out to be people who really really like food and specially processed food, i think this went hand in hand with the “not like other girls’ trope because when in reality lauren graham who played lorelai had to follow a rigorous diet and the raging fatphobia the show and its reboot in 2016 promoted.
the next video i really liked was on fiona apple i think you should watch it, it touches on the same stuff about media and the public hating on young women i really like her lyrics some people thought that she made someone else write her songs because they were too good, there was apparently this one point in time where she was hated a lot and this comedian made a parody video about her, but that’s my issue with everyone who makes fun of women whose lives (beyond their control) and largely public, the media makes fun of them for having “flaws'' that are either a) just how society forced them to be or b) not even “flaws” but just how people are this is what the comedian had said about her where she pretended to be fiona apple. I think when you're trying to say that someone has “sold out” to the patriarchy what you're actually trying to say is that they have “succumbed” to the patriarchy.
coming to millie bobby brown i don't understand why a lot of people think she is annoying or even say that as a joke i've never not found being mean to others funny, that just makes you insufferable while you are projecting your issues on others, yes so millie bobby brown was so young when she had those “satire” videos of her talking over other people in interviews, I mean she was still a child and didn't really know how closely she would be monitored and how just being really excited for those interviews as a child would be, will be perceived as being annoying by the media. and when she grew up too fast too soon people had a problem with her “dressing up as a 40 year old” the pressure they put on young girls and specially actresses, singers etc whose lives are very public, eventually, in the long run, breaks them down. ananya also told me that noha schnapp joined the hype house or something.
newsletter’s pride month special
I was thinking about zolita’s trilogy music album and the first kill and i feel like im obliged to say nice things about them but tbh both of them are just not giving, im sorry. while we are talking about the lgtv on my newsletter special here is a special pride month corner I wanted to talk about coming out, usually with people I don't “come out” I just assume everyone knows who is going to come out not me, but usually the people I talk to are not homophobic either but coming out to your parents will be your worst mistake, let me know for those of you who did it how did it go but even if your parent wont be exactly angry, there will be a lot altering your freedom and lot of walking on eggshells which is mentally draining, this entire paragraph was me projecting.
it's 9 pm, I'm eating sauerkraut with peanuts. I love fermented foods.
group, sitting in circles, moving in circles
I think we were in college near the new acad block sitting area and I was talking to these two people about something and the topic of trauma came up and one of them said why do people talk about it and the other one said “for attention” this was something that I haven't stopped thinking about and this happened two months ago XD, it really makes me think if that is the general consensus, I don't even have any conclusive ending to this it’s just really ??? , I think in school I was living in an echo chamber, half of my college experience was releasing how awful some people are and maybe the world is not all that nice. and I think I get along best with people who have strained relationships with at least one of their parents.
one of my friends said that i will get diabetes after witnessing my love for sugary stuff over weeks, i think a lot of people have pmdd but just don't know that, whenever im feeling feelings more than the usually feeling of said feelings, i can just tell, the foreshadowing is enough for me to let me know what is coming for me that week.
a few days ago my mom dragged me to this breathing/ meditating workshop, very sadhguru type beat, i only went for 1 day and quit it but there was an activity where they made us sit in groups of three and asked us to tell each other our deepest darkest secret, one of the people sitting in the group with us was volunteering for that organization only, so she told me her secret then the other girl sitting with us told us her secret and when it came to me i didn't want to give them anything so i told them “oh i have trouble setting boundaries fr” (i didn't say fr) and then she kept her and on my knee and said “ you are not releasing what's bothering you, that is not a secret) I MEAN i would tell you if i wanted to tell you something personal, im not telling you because im not telling are, why is it so hard for you to understand I don't want to share anything, but i told her :D “I can't think of anything” It was after 3 rounds of exchanging secrets and me telling them stuff like “oh i smoked a cigarette one time I'm so sad” and them not buying anything that i thought of dropping the gay bomb but then i thought what if she is homophobic since the organisation wasn't giving safe space either and I didn't want to take my chances, it wouldn't have meant anything to me. still, I wanted her to think she had finally heard a secret, you can rest now, you've hustled hard enough, go back to your home with a smile on your face, love you forever, volunteer i cant remember that name of.
whenever ananya and I are feeling extra not wanting to be in touch with reality we talk about how we will take an apartment together and she will cook and i will bake (food) i will also clean because cooking is a lot of work but as I was watching hannah from buzzfeed letting her kids plan meals for the week I realised how good and lazy i will be with food, man i love the sweet onion dressing so much, i love bread w eggs so much and they are so easy to make. and soup, yes.
I had so much free time since exams ended (me when i pretend i do not have to take up internships) and i've realised that i can only watch movies with someone, i have saved a playlist of horror movies but it’s very boring to watch it alone
who will listen to me interrupt every scene and listen to me talk, i really need someone to be almost annoyed of me at all times, if i gave up on being annoying i don't know what i'd be left with, i remember i made a letterbox account but it was too much work so i gave up, on the other hand creating spotify playlists and changing their cover 50 times is what gives me some sense of false control over my life.
sagittarius in the seventh house (from the tree) makes me unable to hold a job
I remember the last time someone read my birth chart they told me that I will have joint pain a lot and so true my neck will snap in two any day now. the second time someone read it they asked me what I wanted to know, i asked them when will I get a job and be happy and they said something like sagittarius in 7th house, ok and what do I do with that. I don't think I can hold a job in the future, like, an internship is microdosing having a job and I don't think I can do that, I have so much trouble answering calls if they are impromptu and if the person has not told me that they are going to call me in advance, I can't reply to emails on time, like last time I had to upload my PAN card details, they had told me to do this on monday and it took me almost a week to finally upload my entire data, I just couldn't bring myself to complete this small task, that being said it's not like I thrive in monotony either, i like that there is no uncertainty there but doing the same task, again and again, is mind-numbing, I remember when i was in gurgaon, i used to make my eight-year-old sister act like my body double by making her sit beside me and making sure i don't switch tabs while working or don't lift my head while studying.I do not wish to be affiliated to this newsletter and don't want future employers to read this so I created a new gmail account.
this video is of me two years from now.
i remember one time i went to a therapist, she asked me if i had a boyfriend and i told her i have a very strong dislike for men, i watered it down so much but that was still enough for her, she proceeded to talk for the next 5 minutes which for a 30 min session is a lot. and then she told me that a couple came to her because they were having problems and the woman in the marriage was so bad, she didn't split bills with her husband, men have it so bad :(((( like splitting bills is the gravest problem she could come up with in defense of men. are you ever hanging out with someone and halfway through the conversion you think “yes, we are never doing this again” this was me when she started talking because :( how was what this relevant to what I said. if you're going to lowkey breach your confidentiality contract, at least give me juicy gossip. idk man.
ground rules to ground me
whenever i wrote made a new journal i would always write an introduction in the beginning and would end all my entries w a conclusion, i think im not going to do that here, it’s too much work so ending this with my ranking of modern family characters- lily, phil, alex, cam, haley, gloria, manny, luke, the ranking ends here i truly truly truly hate claire, mitch and above everyone else, jay pritchette, threw up a little thinking about him, I would talk more about him more but i'm tired, anyway good night i'm going to stay up till 5 am.
I apologise for all the typos, punctuations, and grammatical errors, actually i'm not apologizing, it is my newsletter #assertive #boundaries umbrella academy s3 was nice. I have placements in august and im justifying my lack of efforts put in this newsletter by that, i think i can be excused also i will not proof read this before sending. (im self aware enough to admit that im really terrible with titles, so each of my newsletter (if i write more than one) will just be lines from poems, books, songs etc)
my best unfiltered thoughts for you and warmest regards,
a